Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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