sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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