I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
