Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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