yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
