I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you never un-have a 4some
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
