walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize