Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
