yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
