I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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