I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
