Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
