I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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