Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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