My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
