its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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