and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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