new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
