are you still at the devil's house?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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