Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
