I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize