seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
