My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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