my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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