Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
