my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
