Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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