3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize