he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My life is pants optional.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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