I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
they need to just BURY HIM!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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