my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
