hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
