I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
