wakey wakey hands off snakey
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
