How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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