I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel great
I just peed on a car
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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