if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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