I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
my liver is dry heaving
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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