4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize