no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
