Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Randomize
