if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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