I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
