My boss' voice literally gives me gas
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
