I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
