He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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