Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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