I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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