the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
