There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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