I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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