Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
