Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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