he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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