Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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