i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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