The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
