I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
