Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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