i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
