Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
