it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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