I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize