Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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