every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
