Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
