Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
