remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
