listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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