She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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