I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
