Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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