farters have to be the big spoon...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
