i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
