Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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