so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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