giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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