I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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